Archive for February, 2006

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Down The Second Circle of Inferno Without a Virgil

February 5, 2006

Mood: disturbed
Song: Jaws theme

It has long been my contention that Mr. Toad's Wild Ride is THE single most terrifying ride in all of Disneyland. After all, what sort of demented cerebrum thought up a "childhood amusement" that takes you right to the center of Dante's Inferno.

However, running a close second is "It's a Small World" with the possessed dolls and the song that sticks in a person's head like Rosie adheres to her food dish. Tonight I discovered that Disney was more right than he knew.

Let's go back to my trust issues. Give me one moment to stretch out on the therapist's couch. Be sure to start the timer.

There was a junior high school student who took friendship for granted. She was in the throes of youthful passion and the world had assumed a distinctly rose-colored hue. That girl was about to discover how fragile faith could be. I was that girl, and I only wish I could regain innocence lost.

Names will be changed to protect the guilty. I was in my very first relationship with an individual we'll call "Niles." Niles, of course, had a best friend named "Emmett." Because of a horrendous middle school experience, I had to retake Algebra I and it turned out that Emmett was in my summer school class. Day in and day out we'd ride the bus together, and I felt safe to have a protector. Gradually, Emmett and I would spend time together studying and even talking about Niles on the phone, and I was naieve enough to believe that he valued friendship and was content with the status quo.

Words are inadequate to describe my convoluted emotions and he was not entirely culpable for taking advantage. Suffice it to say that years passed before I was healthy enough to embark on another long term relationship. When trust shatters, the shards pierce a normally healthy heart.

To be entirely fair, what actually passed between us physically WAS within the boundaries of innocence (basically not much at all); emotionally, I was bruised for years. Epiphanic moments are few and far between, and in my case I could no longer see people for what they claimed to be. I still struggle.

The reason I'm dredging through the sludge of a murky past? Emmett found me on myspace tonight; even though I'm ecstatically married and he's in a relationship, emotions came rushing back with tsunami force when I realized who the message was from.

Even stranger: Emmett is currently dating a girl named "Joannie" who could be my doppelganger. She is almost my equal in physical appearance, interests, skills, and personality. She's petite (but much heavier than I currently am), in the process of becoming a teacher, a flute player, a voracious reader, and a curvy brunette with wavy hair. My skin crawls to think about it, especially since his mother mentioned how happy she was that he finally found someone "like me" after looking for so long.

Somehow the urge to grade has swiftly departed.

Thank you father, that you are merciful and protect us from ourselves.

Thank you, darling love, that you chose me as your wife, scars and all.

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