Passive-Agressive Therapy

October 5, 2004

Mood: Concerned

Song: "If You Could See" by Steven Curtis Chapman

Sometimes it's so hard to watch someone you care deeply about do things that you know can only cause heartache and grief. Such a deplorable situation is any friend's nightmare.

I understand why this person is doing what they are-clearly, she cannot seem to grasp the irreparable damage that might come from a "simple" choice. She knows she cannot let go of a certain tie to her past, but she also recognizes that this may deeply alter and scar a present relationship.

Since this issue can't just be talked about, she takes the passive agressive stand of seeming to comply without actually doing so-obeying the letter, if not the spirit of the law. I am so terrified that this will come back to haunt her that I scarcely know how to respond. It's not even conscious; she's not purposefully setting out to deceive, and yet that is the end result because she knows that telling would bring disapproval, like a leaden weight, down upon her. So, she simply keeps silent and continues doing what she wants to, regardless of ultimate consequences. The person forcing her into this choice, her husband, doesn't realize that she needs time and logical reasons in order to replace wrong thoughts leading to wrong actions.



From my profile you know that I'm not married *yet*, so obviously this "friend" is not me. However, in a blatantly obvious example of the pot calling the kettle black, I also have trouble honestly offering up truth when I know that its pitiful seeds will only be tossed back into the wind, floating effortlessly away alongside the dust of an exploded relationship.


Just when I think I've got a handle on my life, I realize that I need to delve into deeper issues. Righteousness is often compared to a target, and God keeps moving the target farther and farther back as our aim increases. It's a process, as I should know because even the Hebrew word implies that.

Actions should be based on truth…I firmly believe this, and yet it seems impossble to explain. This is why, of course, I have yet to pick a Maid of Honor; I know it will only lead to conflict. I feel so selfish when I state an opinion that is different from anyone else's or ever dare to presume to ask something of someone.

To the person I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I offer my heartfelt love and understanding. Stay firm in what you know to be true and speak the truth in love. To myself, I offer the same advice, knowing that I would rather see my dreams dashed into smithereens than face disappointing someone.

I must end this post with a reference to Langston Hughes and his poem, "A Dream Deffered"

What happens to a dream deferred?

Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
Like a syrupy sweet?

Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.

Or does it explode?

One comment

  1. It is awesome that you are able to be so vulnerable to others. Thanks for sharing, I wrote you some very disjointed e mails when attempting to post, but I wasn’t able to figure it out till now. I hope you like my post name, I felt it was appropriate.

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